The Rationalist Manifesto

Just one photo as the inside photos will wait until all the furniture are in place. But here is my house from the outside, click for a bigger picture:

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Today I went with Thomas (my flatmate), Robin and Ben to the ANZAC day Australian Football League game at the Melbourne Cricket Ground, where we saw Collingwood (Magpies) battle it out with Essenden (Bombers). Collingwood eventually won 12.23 (95) to 11.13 (79).

This has been my first experience of going to a sports event and it was quite fun. While it is not something I’d be likely to do more than once a year, it was quite an experience. Being part of a 90,000 strong crowd and joining in the chants and calls was fun ;-)

Funnily enough this has been the first sports game I watched more than ten minutes of (even on TV) as I’m not into spectator sports at all…

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‘Year Zero’ has been out for a week, but the release party for it in Melbourne which I’m writing this from is tonight. It is quite tame at this early hour, but I already scored a free copy of the album so I’m quite happy. The album has already been leaked on the net, by none other than Trent Reznor himself, with a big ‘fuck you’ to the RIAA, but it is well worth the purchase anyway :-)

The album itself is a concept piece which is very reminiscent of 1984, with the added value of refreshing the old warning by Benjamin Franklin- ‘those who give up freedom for temporary safety, deserve neither freedom, nor safety’, although this is from memory, so forgive any inadvertant paraphrasing on my part…

I’m quite set on an early night tonight, but I’ll let the winds of fate, take me where they will. It all depends whether some of my lovely and newly acquired friends will show up by the time I’m ready to roll. Friday is usually a big night for the Melbourne goth scene, but I’ve chores to do tomorrow which I’ve pushed back more than once, so we’ll see.

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Four things I have to work on– first is the hurt from the injury of the betrayal, then the pain of Shelly leaving me, after that comes the fear of not being in a couple (i.e. being alone) and last is missing her.

I am quite over the first one, writing about it in the blog and getting feedback really helped with that. Forgiving Shelly for it at the time that I thought we were trying to give our relationship a chance helped quite a bit. I am still angry with her for the rationalizations that she is using to avoid dealing with what she’s done, as if the fact that I was with other girls while we were together matters. I did nothing without Shelly’s complete agreement and even active encouragement, and with her always having the option of stopping it at any time (which she used, in one instance, to which I obliged) while she, on the other hand, lied and went behind my back and despite my wishes and feelings. So, while still angry with her, I’m not longer hurt by her actions. Damien knows exactly how to manipulate her, and surely soon she’ll see our relationship as a shadow of what it was, with the bad parts silhouetted instead of the good. Sad, but inevitable.

Regarding the pain of Shelly leaving me– I feel that the person residing in the body that we call ‘Shelly’, is not the Shelly that I’ve known for these many years. It is as if Shelly that I love and respect has already left some time ago and I just didn’t know it. She left into fairy, and the spirit that took her body is from darker lands. While I’ll mourn the lost of the one I love, I also know that the one I love is no longer ‘Shelly’. The person who left me is not the person I love. Perhaps she’ll reclaim herself again, perhaps not.

As for the fear of being on my own, I feel that while it is early, I will learn to enjoy being on my own instead of fearing it. The fear is leaving me at a steadily increasing pace. This weekend, with Gabe’s visit as incredible support, has been an eye opener in that regard and I’ll be working hard to better myself in this direction.

Last, I’ll miss Shelly always– the Shelly that I love and that loved me. The Shelly of several months ago, perhaps, the would-be mother of my child and the person I wanted to grow old with. I will alway miss her, but the pain of missing her will slowly subside and it will truly be in my past. Something to look back on, the bad times and the good, part of what made me who I am today.

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It hurts the most when she speaks to me as if we’re strangers.

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Well, I’ve finished building my current furniture (closet and bed). I’ve yet to purchase the desk though, but the plan looks like this:

It feels more cramped than it looks in the design, unfortunately, but it is comfy. Photos forthcoming when I get the desk ;-)

Note that the heat vent is under the bed, I am hoping the area under the bed will act as an extension to the conduit and deliver the heat to the rest of the room, otherwise I’ll have to shift it all.

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Today* I rented a one ton van, and together with Thomas, my flatmate, went to buy some furnitures for my new place. Got a bed and closet from IKEA in Richmond, ordered a mattress from a small place in Northcote and will be popping over to South Yarra this week to get a desk that I had my eye on. Also drove to Brighton to grab two boxes of stuff from George’s.

Tomorrow’s evening after work will set the stage for the daunting task of assembling all of my new purchases…

This day was quite interesting, as it was my first time driving a one ton vehicle, one of my first few left hand driving experiences and the first time really driving around Melbourne, other than the time I drove Shelly to the Hospital and one afternoon that we drove around Brighton. While I know it’s silly, this day has filled me with a feeling of achievement which has allowed a measure of healing. A kind of Occupational Therapy, I guess. That, along with a good talk with Shelly tonight, made me feel a bit better.

One day at a time…

^{* Note: This was written after midnight, but it refers to the 9th of April.}

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Shelly thinks it is unfair that the previous post is up without some context. I find it weird, given that in light of the context I think her betrayal is made even more repugnant.
First part of the context is that Shelly and I had a somewhat open relationship, in which we agreed on very basic ground rules:

1. We don’t do what the other partner disagrees with.
2. It doesn’t have to be symmetrical, but it must be something we are both comfortable with.
3. No lies.

Update:
Shelly felt that I should also add (and that is the non-symmetrical part mentioned above, but I’ll expand it) that I couldn’t be comfortable with Shelly being with close friends of ours while Shelly did not mind it. End of update.

The second part of the context is that with Damien, Shelly came to discuss with me the possibility of her and him going at it. I thought about it and disagreed because I didn’t feel it was something I wanted within my own home (we were going to be flat-mates with him at the time). It might have also been my subconscious realizing there is something more here then simply the sex.

I communicated my feelings and my disagreement very clearly to both Shelly and Damien, to which they both agreed, at least to my face. Not a week later, they were going at it like rabbits behind my back.

It is that which had made it much more painful to me, not only did they have sex, several times, behind my back, they did it despite and with complete disregard to my feelings, knowing full well that I will be painfully hurt by their actions and their lies.

Furthermore, Shelly did not use any protection when having sex with Damien, nor used protection with me when we had sex after they had (before I found out about her infidelity).

By her actions Shelly specifically demonstrated that she didn’t care enough about me, or our relationship, to do the right thing, nor did she give a shit about her well being or mine.

Everyone that knows me, knows that I have always considered lies to be the true betrayal, not the sex, but this betrayal was consummated with the sex. It was both a sexual and emotional betrayal, with a big ‘fuck you’ on top.

I seriously don’t understand how anyone of any morals would think that this context makes this betrayal any less cruel and evil. I think it makes it more so.

“The truth shall set you free”.

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The last time I was at Golgotha, Shelly got too drunk and we were starting on the way back to the hostel when she insisted that I stay and enjoy, and that I don’t need to go back because she is leaving. It seemed strange, but she insisted very forcefully and it didn’t quite register, until a week later when I found out she went back and fucked Damien in our bed.

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For a second, my pain is unique. It is a crisp, sharp thing, outlined in green laser light. Then the moment passes and I’m left yet another on the dance floor. Ashamed of my hubris.

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