Four things I have to work on– first is the hurt from the injury of the betrayal, then the pain of Shelly leaving me, after that comes the fear of not being in a couple (i.e. being alone) and last is missing her.
I am quite over the first one, writing about it in the blog and getting feedback really helped with that. Forgiving Shelly for it at the time that I thought we were trying to give our relationship a chance helped quite a bit. I am still angry with her for the rationalizations that she is using to avoid dealing with what she’s done, as if the fact that I was with other girls while we were together matters. I did nothing without Shelly’s complete agreement and even active encouragement, and with her always having the option of stopping it at any time (which she used, in one instance, to which I obliged) while she, on the other hand, lied and went behind my back and despite my wishes and feelings. So, while still angry with her, I’m not longer hurt by her actions. Damien knows exactly how to manipulate her, and surely soon she’ll see our relationship as a shadow of what it was, with the bad parts silhouetted instead of the good. Sad, but inevitable.
Regarding the pain of Shelly leaving me– I feel that the person residing in the body that we call ‘Shelly’, is not the Shelly that I’ve known for these many years. It is as if Shelly that I love and respect has already left some time ago and I just didn’t know it. She left into fairy, and the spirit that took her body is from darker lands. While I’ll mourn the lost of the one I love, I also know that the one I love is no longer ‘Shelly’. The person who left me is not the person I love. Perhaps she’ll reclaim herself again, perhaps not.
As for the fear of being on my own, I feel that while it is early, I will learn to enjoy being on my own instead of fearing it. The fear is leaving me at a steadily increasing pace. This weekend, with Gabe’s visit as incredible support, has been an eye opener in that regard and I’ll be working hard to better myself in this direction.
Last, I’ll miss Shelly always– the Shelly that I love and that loved me. The Shelly of several months ago, perhaps, the would-be mother of my child and the person I wanted to grow old with. I will alway miss her, but the pain of missing her will slowly subside and it will truly be in my past. Something to look back on, the bad times and the good, part of what made me who I am today.
Rhiannon | 17-Apr-07 at 9:36 pm | Permalink
Tal, your post actually made me cry! The last paragraph - gah! :(
I wish you every happiness in your life. It may take time, but you’re a great guy and it will happen.
xoxo
Tal Rotbart | 18-Apr-07 at 12:51 am | Permalink
Thanks Rhi, much appreciated. Although I learned that Great Guys Finish Last, as the saying (almost) says. So…
Big hugs,
Tal